In the first place, it is very important to understand the greater goals of parenting even before starting the actual process. Parenting is a process of great care and a valuable investment of your time and energy. In the light of my personal experience, I want to share my thoughts with honorable parents keeping in view the purpose of raising our next generations in a successful manner.
Effective Parenting to Raise Children Well without Spoiling TO Achieve Greater Goals of Parenting
It’s very important to understand what is effective parenting. For this purpose, I have written on this topic. This article comprises three parts.
What are the greater goals of parenting and what is not?
The framework of parenting without spoiling.
What is parenting?
We consume energy, time, and resources to achieve parenting goals. Yet, we have to take this responsibility; we cannot outsource this. The greater goal of parenting is not limited only to their best schooling, best grades, and success in getting admission for some professional degree. In fact, this is a limited vision. All our efforts, energies, and resources consume here.
We don’t focus on greater questions as to what to do in life?
We do not think of making our relationship with them better.
What the greater goal of parenting and education is a very serious matter to ponder upon. If we cherish this vision our direction will be made correct. We will achieve a state of balance. We need to understand the greater goals of parenting and need to modify our vision, approach, and lifestyle.
There are three most important goals of Parenting
most importantly, nurture confidence in your child. The greatest quality of the 21st century is confidence. The child who has a degree but no confidence, cannot survive in the future. Regretfully, a degree achieved at the cost of confidence is of no use, even manners and values at the same cost will be futile.
In our society perception regarding confidence is ‘boldness’. But confidence is not boldness. Confidence should not be equated with public speaking or boldness. Markedly, a man can face public or he is blunt, does not mean he is confident. We should define confidence in our religious perspective.
What is confidence?
Confidence is to respect oneself without disrespecting others.
To know oneself with humility is in reality confidence. Chiefly, the element of humility should always be there in one’s personality. Both should co-exist. To think yourself important for the right cause. One should not be a victim of the desire of dominating others.
To wish to always impress others is a reflection of a diseased mind. Even an iota of trying to impress others should not be present. If the child doesn’t want to speak in public doesn’t mean he is not confident. Confidence actually means your sense of self-worth is maintained.
Parenting Practices and our Educational Practices to Get Goals for Parenting
Tragically, our parenting practices and our educational practices destroy the sense of self-worth of a child very badly. Learn with the mind that confidence is already present in the personality of a child, we have just to secure or shatter this confidence. A child is born with an absolute sense of self–worth coupled with the fact that he doesn’t like to do what he doesn’t like. As a result, he expresses his point of view energetically.
Likewise, he will not surrender himself. He will definitely react and protest if you force him. At the same time, Our educational and social, and domestic structure spoil this state of confidence in a child. Maintaining and nurturing confidence should be at the top of our parenting goals.
If a child says, “I find it difficult to do.” Or
“I have not done this earlier.” Or
“I don’t know how to do it.”
All this is acceptable but if he says, “I can’t do it.” This is not acceptable in any case. This is the most dangerous situation. Here falls the lack of confidence.
Three pedestals of confidence
There are three pedestals of confidence!
The first pedestal is to trust your potential.
There is an ocean of potential in you!
There is a world of probabilities in you!
The right environment and opportunity will nurture your talent!
2nd pedestal of confidence is a “Sense of Purpose”.
If I question?
What is it that makes you important?
On which grounds do you feel important?
Many people think of themselves as important on material bases.
One who is appraised thinks of himself as important.
The other, who faced criticism, his sense of self-worth suffered.
Some people collapse on a mild criticism and feel energized on a minor appraisal. Confidence is to think of oneself as important on fairgrounds.
There must be a clear evolution of ourselves. Our sense of self-worth must not be shattered. If you struggle for a greater cause, you feel complete, contented, and satisfied. Ultimately this becomes the greater reason for nurturing confidence.
There are three basic pedestals to consider one-self confident.
Sometimes, one feels confident on material bases. Confidence assumed on the basis of status, position, wealth, ability is false practice. These reasons to consider oneself confident are temporary. There is a type of sickness called psychosomatic disorder … a man is caught in a situation where he loses his ability, and he loses his confidence. He becomes a victim of wild behavior.
What is the phenomenon of prenatal depression, prenatal anxiety, or postnatal anxiety?
If a woman is sick not only physically but also mentally and psychologically, what will be the result?
Our confidence has not been established on the right cause rather we had no proper reason to feel important. We had a very temporary pedestal of confidence that was the confidence of ability, energy, or job or position! When you will grow hold, how would you be confident?
There are three pedestals upon which your confidence should be established
The first one is potential. There is a difference between ability and potential. Ability is quality and potential is probable quality. When he thinks that “he cannot do”, so is wrong. “I have never done this before”, is actually the right sentence. To say that “I can’t do” is very cruel. It proves that your internal dialogue is not correct.
If a child is sure that he doesn’t know about anything likewise, he has no idea how to do that the indicator of his lacking in confidence. In addition to this, if he is sure of his inability to perform, he is not aware of his inborn potentials and innate abilities.
God has created you with a lot of potential. Allah has blessed you with a lot of potential. Potential is the seed of abilities. A child is blessed with unlimited potential to do great, which no one can imagine. Almighty Creator alone knows. The discipline of psychology couldn’t yet determine the potential of a man. Psychology has been taught for a century. A man has unlimited potential. Man explores his possibilities in crisis. “You cannot do,” is a very poisonous blemish.
Our staunch faith provides 3rd pedestal.
“I am because I am in the sight of God.” confidence is the greatest qualification that is needed to survive in the future. One who is confident can create opportunities in the future world for themselves. The upcoming age is the age of self-employed individuals. Parenting and education that snatches confidence are not good but rather very destructive.
“Creativity”- 2nd Greater Goal of Parenting
Creative potential should be nurtured.
What is creativity?
Productivity is not creativity.
The ability of problem solve is a greater indication of creativity. The art of surviving in any situation is called creativity. The ability to face challenges successfully is creativity. So, creative potential should not be compromised. To construct sentences out of words is an example of creativity. Our educational system and parenting practices mar the creativity of a child.
There is a difference between creativity and productivity. Creativity is an inherent feature of writing. The practice of our students is an example of productivity. They learn skills, and this practice ensures uniformity. There is no uniformity in this process because creativity is chaotic and original. We demand perfection and forget creativity. We compromise on every social level.
Character…3rd Greater Goal of Parenting
What is not a character?
Character is not behavior.
There is a difference between character and behavior. Behavior is an observable aspect; it is obvious. We decide about anything under the influence of public opinion. Children decide on their own, they are not influenced by public opinion. Under the influence of our instructions, they become people conscious. Character is to remain attached to what you like. The weakness of character is to accept your truth but not live accordingly. A man should achieve the ultimate level of his commitment, this is character. For believers, truth is defined by divine guidance; for nonbelievers, the element of divine guidance is not existing.
Nurture character is a very basic factor of life.
So there are 3 greater goals of parenting and education.
Every child is born with these grains. Our creativity is a fraction of enormous creativity. We entered this world with gargantuan creativity. So the basic grain of confidence, creativity, and character is inborn. We have just to nurture it. We should avoid such acts as destroying these potentials.
Confidence is the foundation upon which creativity is established and character is developed.
If confidence is shattered, creativity is resultantly crushed. And if inborn creativity is not utilized, the character cannot be greater.
How 3 C’s are spoiled and hinder the process of achieving goals of parenting?
The above-mentioned 3 C’s are supplied by the following fact3 C’s are affected indicators of pampering, if you are fulfilling all the desires of your child, affordability is not the right reason to purchase for him. There must be a proper reason to purchase for him. If something is good for him, let your child have that. But don’t do that if it is not good for him. I mean to say fulfill the desire of your child in the light of wisdom and prudence.
Avoid over-facilitating your child, let him do by himself what he can do. Let him make attempts. Let him face little challenges. I remember a very y fantastic story at this point of my discussion, “His First Flight”. A marvelous story of a seagull, when a mother seagull teaches us the same lesson. Your responsibility is not to let him fall, and your responsibility is to rise when he falls.
In case of any dispute, be partial. Observe things on a higher moral level.
Sometimes, a child avoids expressing himself because he is humiliated. Fear affects the quality of our relationship. The relationship is not developed under the shadow of fear. A child doesn’t become expressive. Our thinking process is in silent mode. Sometimes we think aloud, but only before our confidante. A child realizes that his friend will not judge him he will just listen. He believes that his confidante will not humiliate him rather he will accept him as he is with all the merits and demerits, even without being judgmental. Fear in a relationship is very dangerous, it is the enemy of faith.
Doubt will destroy everything. His personality will be destroyed. If you doubt his intentions, his character will collapse. When we doubt his intentions and qualities, he becomes a victim of self-doubt. His confidence is lost.
Types of doubt
Doubt is very cruel. There are two types:
- Explicit Doubt
- Implicit Doubt
Choice of words while communicating is very important, but unprovidentially, we are very much careless in this process. We express our doubt about his intentions by the reckless choice of words. No psychologist can give a verdict on intentions. Doubt is an enemy of creativity, character is lost as a result of his skepticism. The affected child becomes a victim of self-doubt. A great many people are a victim of self-doubt. The positive conversation is non-existent. Positive motivation is very crucial.
Virtue is its own reward. One should realize the actual reason for doing good. For example, reading pleasure should be the actual reason for reading rather there is any motivation due to an announced reward. The reason to pray must be the desire to connect with Allah Almighty. Reason must not get the reward. This is not a long-term solution. This is a corporate mindset. People do something good for the sake of announced reward, that is actually malpractice. Try to maximize the pleasure of a virtuous act. Let him experience the pleasure of virtue. A virtuous act should not be conditional. Only then we can teach them higher moral values. The evolvement of a great character depends upon this.
An unnatural lifestyle not only causes physical disturbance but also causes learning difficulties and behavioral issues. 70% of children are victims of constipation which has ultimately disastrous health issues. An organic environment and native language support the mental and intellectual development of a child. We handicap our children intellectually if we don’t speak in our first language. We don’t let him develop his natural thinking process. Our living environment should be natural. A natural lifestyle ensures our mental, physical, intellectual and spiritual health.
Things to Do to achieve greater goals of parenting
Thinking over the issue of parenting our greatest illusion is to work on kids. “Work on yourself” is the real phenomenon of successful parenting. Work on yourself, you will be amazed by the results. There are certain obvious indicators, such as ;
“Do you look happy?”
“Do you suffer from temperamental issues?”
“Do you have emotional control?”
“ Do you get annoyed at trifles?”
If your answer is “yes”, you have definitely asked for trouble already. Your children are living with the most dangerous person, they can never become emotionally sound. Eventually, there will be psychological problems with them. Moreover, they will not be able to face challenges in the future. Differences and contradictions make your child confused. This is very important to understand.
Remember that your character has a very deep effect on the overall growth of your child.
Work on your physical health First. Spare free time for you. Increase your knowledge. Reflect on yourself. Learn how to control yourself emotionally. Learn how to solve problems from a religious perspective. Eradicate your negativity. If your temperament is not good, your children are at risk.
There is a dire need to re-establishing our eating habits. The blood deficient in iron and calcium can not generate the iron will and steadfastness. And “Iron Will” is the indicator of successful grooming.
Equally important is a relationship with a spouse. Binding with your spouse is very important. This is another issue that must be discussed in detail. Remove your grudges and complaints. There must be a sense of togetherness.
The actual order is to first become a good son, then a good husband, and then comes the turn of becoming a good father. Similarly, a woman is first to become a good daughter, then a good wife, and later develops into a good mother.
A man who has more knowledge is more responsible. Develop an unconditional relationship with your child. Trust your child.
How to develop a good relationship?
Firstly, give your child unconditional respect. We don’t give our children due respect. His consciousness will develop. Give him due respect but don’t fulfill his unfair demands.
Secondly, give him quality time. We usually take their time, we don’t give. You must manage uninterrupted sitting at least for twenty minutes with them. Quality time is not less than 20 minutes and that is also without interruption.
There are 3 indicators of quality time:
1: Decide to talk about what they like you to talk about.
2: You should spend uninterrupted 20 minutes with them.
3: Urge to meet again should remain alive.
Make your moral standards higher! Save them from the harshness of your tongue and accent; from your troubled behavior.
Thirdly, try to understand him more than to make him understand. Invest your 80% time and energy in understanding him. Observe him, listen to him. Never doubt his intentions. Try to express your thought processes.
And lastly, understand the importance of a mentor. Connect yourself with a scholar who has deep knowledge and understanding of parenting principles.
Must read, if you want to know about the Top 5 Parenting Tips Every Parent Should Know